Anxiety and other 'A' Things- AKA Fruit Basket Turnover

How often we think we have everything under control and God, in His mercy, continues to redirect and mold our life.  He redirects in a way that is really answer to prayer, but not how one is expecting.

That would be life at our house this week.

We took Joy-Bug to public school in order to enroll her.  See this post for background.  She was tested and came out below average for second grade.  You need to know she has been in third grade this year.  I knew she had learning issues, but this was somewhat confirming and somewhat saddening.  The principle wanted her to be in second grade.  But, after his explaining all the third grade pressure that would be on Joy-Bug next year (as in not passing a test would make her have to retake third grade), we knew we needed to regroup.  We can not have her two years behind her peers.

So, we came back and called the local Christian school.  You'll remember that we really liked it, but felt it would be too challenging for Joy-Bug.  Well, they met with us and put her in second grade- ADHD, anxiety and all.  She has two teachers and only SIX students in that class.  There is also pull-out tutoring for her to get her up to snuff.  And, to top it off, they gave me a coupon for half off tuition this spring!  So, God is obviously in that!  Joy-Bug brought her first folder home last night and had FIVE WORKSHEETS COMPLETED.  Dan and I cried tears of joy!

In the meantime, we were still not happy with the plan or lack of plan, for Kae-Kae and her completion of eighth grade and impending high school in eight months.  We have prayed diligently for three weeks and in the middle of the night, God gave us the answer.  We enrolled her in Morning Star Academy- an online school.  This means she will graduate from their school and be able to circumvent the state requirements for where we live.  They have a non-college track which just means she has to have Algebra I and Geometry, and NO FOREIGN LANGUAGE.  Kae-Kae tested and was below grade level on everything.  Even though this program is online, I know it is going to take me sitting knee-to-knee with her, which means we have to have a plan for my other two children.

Sooooo, we put them in Christian school, too.  About two weeks before Christmas break, Gracie-Girl stopped touching paper.  Yep!  That is right.  Which means, she will not cut, paste, color, handwrite, etc.  This is just too much for me to manage- child number three as special needs.  So, even though she was in homeschool as a first grader, she also tested low and will begin Kindergarten on Monday.

So, now that the fruit basket is turned over, I have a 7th, 2nd and Kindergartener.  Little Guy is the only one on grade level, which is K4.  We are also paying private school tuition for FOUR children.  And, I am only kind of a homeschooler- I will be helping Kae-Kae all day.  Little Guy will only be going to school for 2 days a week, but you can't really homeschool a four year old.  We will just play soccer and wiffle ball!

So, I am hanging up my hat as Homeschooling Heather for a while.  Maybe to return at another time, or ready for whatever new adventure the Lord brings, as Kae-Kae gets to where she can do more and more of her own school-work during the next six years.

Thanks for listening-
Heather

Anxiety and other 'A' Things

Hellooooooo-


Yes, Kingdom Arrows is still alive and not so well. But, we are here and I am making an update. You will see in this post why we have dropped off the face of the blogosphere.


Anxiety
Both Kae-Kae, almost 14 and Joy-Bug, 8 yo, have been fighting this fall with their anxiety. Many times the anxiety has won out, but we have persevered. Kae-Kae has made an A-plus at her 2 day a week school, in spite of her increased anxiety. But, it has been at the expense of everything else in her life- chores, music, friends, sleep, etc. So, we are planning on making the step of reducing her class sehcuelde to 2 days a month. This allows her to return to weekly counseling, ramp up Math and Science to the 8th grade level and have some rest. She will be stopping piano/composing and may be beginning the flute choir- if we can work through the panic attacks she has when she practices the flute! Hopefully increasing her meds last week and counseling will also help with that.


Joy-Bug had about 2 pretty good weeks this entire fall. By pretty good, I mean she was able to do her 4 subjects with serious modifications. Like, spelling five words out loud while she walked in a circle, playing violin for 5 minutes, doing math for 10 minutes and reading a 2 paragraph story and answering 5 reading comprehension questions.  The rest of the fall has been a marathon of never ending whining, crying, and computer games for her.


But, overall, she has not done anything this fall but advance to second level Green Belt in Taekwondo. And, we are SO HAPPY for Taekwondo! Joy-Bug is at the max of her anxiety meds she can take.  She can not continue in such a compromised state and our family can not take the pressure and stress she puts on us.  


Which leads me to the other 'A' Topics.


ADHD and ADD.


Yep- our new psychiatrist feels that Joy-bug has ADHD. Wow! I am so glad someone could figure out a gigantic piece of our puzzle. She answered YES to every single ADHD question (oh, so did Dan and I). I could write pages of specifically how this plays out in Joy-Bug, but I am sure you don't want all the sordid details. But, this leads me to our gigantic ANNOUNCEMENT.


Joy-Bug will be beginning public school in January.


Whew- I said it! I know many of my readers will not believe that God could lead a Christian family to public school, but He is leading us to put Joy-Bug in. We always thought if she went to school, it would be the Christian school, but they use mostly homeschool curriculum that she can not do and keep up with. It is so small that she would struggle with being in two grades together, always feeling behind the fourth graders. Since it so small, it is more individualized like homeschooling, which she is NOT doing well with. After increasing her meds as much as possible and being in weekly counseling all fall, and doing modifications at home, we can not take her any farther. We need to broaden our team that is helping Joy-Bug to health and wellness. The psychiatrist, counselor and us are not enough, so we are now including school for a semester to see what happens. Oh, and for the record, I have been very pleased with all my interactions with our public school. They have not despised me for having homeschooled and have been very supportive. 


Now, we have learned that Kae-Kae has ADD. I kept telling all of the therapists when she was in third grade that she had ADD, but they wanted to label her with all sort of other problems- CAPD, SID, VT, etc. The big puzzle piece seems to be ADD, and that may have led to the anxiety and mental breakdown! Kae-Kae's additional counseling this spring will be helping her develop more ADD coping mechanisms and helping her with her panic attacks- which she thought was asthma all fall.  She answered over 90% of the ADD questions as a yes and is very excited to know that there is something somewhat fixable for her.  I could list a mile of issues about how this shows up, but the most consistently obvious is the fact that she can not remember to do one thing for longer than one minute.  Literally.  Like every night and morning we tell her to immediately go brush her teeth, and she immediately forgets- every time.  And she will be 14 in a month.  She does not even notice when she goes FOUR days without brushing.  This is not normal.  And the 1-2 hours to do 15 math problems EVERY DAY.  I could go on....


Anyway, that is what has been happening here.  Joy-Bug has taken every free brain cell that Dan and I have.  That is why we have that deer in the headlights look ALL THE TIME.  


But, God has been faithfully helping us navigate in His time and with His provision.  We made it to Christmas. We made it to the end of year 2 of the worst years of our lives.  He is still God and we are still His children.  


Amen.


Heather

May God Be Praised

Can you tell what this is??

That is the Futon being carried away to Goodwill!!

Now, can you tell what this is??

Kae-Kae winning second place in both Flute and Piano in our local music competition.

Both of these sights will bring tears of joy to your eyes if you followed us through the journey the Lord ordained for us last year when my then 12 year old had a mental breakdown.  You can read some of our story here (also to see how Kae-Kae laid between the futon cushions for 12 hours a day), or search anxiety updates on this blog to follow the many steps of the journey. 

One year ago, she had been selectively mute for 2 weeks, little did we know that she had four more weeks of selective mutism coming before she began dissociating 12 hours a day, for 8 full weeks.  She did not hear, speak or see during that time.  She only ate food if I laid it by her head while under the futon.  She would swing in the rain and not know why she was wet.  At one point she asked how much her little brother had grown.  Our lives changed forever during that time.  But, it was the mercy of God.  He has grown all of our faith and chipped off alot of that legalism, cynicism, entitlement, selfishness, etc. and grown Kae-Kae into a beautiful, godly, faith-filled young woman. 

May God be praised!

Heather

Anxiety Disorder- Update

Click here to read my journal of last year from March to August. 

In honor of Kae-Kae's Thirteenth Birthday Today, I thought I would send out an update. 

Kae-Kae in a hands-on session with our friend Ginger learning more photography skills.

I have been trying to decide when to send it, she has had so many breakthroughs.

Just in January, she added in piano lessons again, with daily practice.  She has finally begun to do chores, even though she knows she does not do them well.  She decided she wanted to start up Vision Therapy this past week.  If you remember, that is what actually made her begin dissociating.  She is realizing she is not seeing well and that her eyes are crossing often when she is reading.  I am taking her to the optometrist this week.

Kae-Kae has good Sunday afternoons now, and is able to figure out some things to help pass the time without getting anxious.  She has dug out her MP3 player and is relearning how to use it.  She is making some baby steps toward starting some of her own hobbies.  She has written a few more poems, and is wanting to compose music for them.  She has said she wants to learn to draw, so I am borrowing some Art DVDs for her to watch. 

In school, she is now doing SIXTH grade math!  This is the best she has ever done in Math.  She is learning Latin because she wants to, and is about three-quarters of the way through Lively Latin Book 1.  She is doing seventh grade language arts.  The last two weeks she started reading again.  What I mean by that is we go to the library, she picks out a ton of books, and they are completely read in one week.  She has not done that in about 8 months. 

In counseling, she has progressed so well that we are going to be ending very soon.  She is asking when it is going to be over!  Dan and I feel Kae-Kae is the best she has ever been in her life.  I still can't believe we had to go through so much just to find out what was "wrong" with her and work on helping her get well.  But, God was walking through it with us the whole time, even when I could not see Him for all the pain. 

I have to say she had the BEST Birthday ever.  She has never acted excited about Christmas or Birthdays before.  But, this year was radically different.  It shows the prison of anxiety she has been locked in for her whole life.  She responded to all her gifts and was so grateful and expressive. 

Thank you again for all the prayers, gifts and other things you did for our family this last year.  Kae-Kae began her "official" descent last March and was at her peak June through August.  I write this with a grateful heart.

Her grandparents had this quilted for her birthday after Kae-Kae and I had pieced it 3 years ago.

 Heather



The girls gave her Bluebird goodies.  That is her favorite bird.



 

Christmas I Spy Edition!

(scroll down for answers)

A) Can you spy what is missing from this Advent wreath?

B)  Can you spy the problem with our Christmas tree?

C)  You will have to spy closely to see what is wrong with this Jesse Tree that Kae-Kae and I made this year for her Hope Chest.

D) Can you spy what is wrong with this little boy?

Answers:

A) I could not get to Hobby Lobby until December 2 once all the purple and pink candles were sold out.

B)  The top section of lights went out two weeks ago and no parent was fearless enough to dive in.

C)  The Jesse Tree is supposed to have 25 ornaments, we only got 20 made.

D)  All four children had the flu with 101 degree fever for the four days leading up to Christmas.

This meant we gave up:

Christmas Caroling

Decorating Cookies

Making Gingerbread Houses

Annual Christmas dinner with the Jones'

Christmas Eve Worship Service

BUT, THE BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT EVER, IS HERE:

  Kae-Kae out from the futon (see story here) and loving her new Narnia DVDs from her grandparents.

Everyone else's favorite thing this Christmas, besides this...

Merry Christmas!

Heather

Anxiety Disorder- Update

This is a post I have been meaning to put on for a few days.  But, I have been so busy with Kae-Kae, I have not had time!  Here she is singing in her Christmas concert.

After the rough week of her adjusting to the removal of the tranquilizer and the increase of her anti-anxiety med, it has been, "Look out world, here I come!" 

She is a completely different person.  This week she has done a FULL DAY OF SCHOOL EVERYDAY!  She is following a list and is able to read the list without dissociating.  She is practicing her flute in the morning, and is preparing to play this Sunday for church.  We completed third grade Math (Math-U-See) for the umpteenth time, and I know she GOT IT!  We are almost halfway through division using Mastering Mathematics.  I just went with MM since that is the curriculum I had and was already paid for and is made for children with learning challenges. 

She wanted to stop Omnibus since it is such a tough History program and I ordered her World Empires, World Missions, World Wars by Diana Waring.  We did Romans, Reformers, Revolutionaries several years ago and Kae-Kae loved all the supplementary reading.  This week her extra reading was a book about the War of 1812 and she is in her element.

I am adding extra science to our Christian Kids Explore Biology by Stephanie Redmond. This week was about cells, and she said meiosis was cool.  Here is a jello cell that we made. 

 The egg was the nucleus, the skittles, macaroni, peanut, black beans and licorice were different organells.  Apparently we have never studied cells, or it is another thing she was dissociating  about and she thoroughly enjoyed learning about all these organelles, the quote was, "Cool!"

We started Phonetic Zoo, which is about the twelfth spelling program I have gotten for her.  I bought it in March as a last resort.  Obviously, she has not been doing much spelling since then.  She has started the program this week and really likes it.  I like that I don't have to do spelling with her.  She likes that I don't do spelling with her.  She just uses her little CD player and notepaper.  It is GOOD!

Kae-Kae has not swung all week.  She has picked up her clothes without me asking her.  She is knitting a small project.  She has remembered to carry her dishes over, and she has been able to participate in Family Worship right after dinner.  She has not been able to do Family Worship since March.  She is initiating play with her siblings. 

And, most important to her, she is preparing for her Lion's Party on Saturday.  In case you have not been around my daughter lately, you might not know that The Voyage of the Dawn Treader opens on Friday.  We are having a party and trivia for her friends, and they are all encouraged to wear costumes.  After the party, they are caravaning down to the movie.  Check back Friday for Kae-Kae as Lucy (I hope).  I am the one in charge of sewing the costume. 

Today we received another piece of great news.  Kae-Kae's counseling will reduce to every other week starting in January.  Woo! Hoo!  This is because she is progressing so well.  Dan and I will continue with our Parent-Relationship-Training, we have seven more weeks.  This program is to help her with her attachment issues. 

This post has more good news than should be allowed!  My advent season is full of great joy and thankfulness. 

Heather

Anxiety Disorder- Update

It has been a while since I have given an update on Kae-Kae and her anxiety disorder.  It is certainly more fun to write about Nature Studies or Game Nights, but having a daughter with mental issues is the inescapable reality I live with daily. 

The last two weeks, she has been gradually going downhill with her anxiety increasing incrementally daily.  She also began to dissociate a few times.  This is NOT GOOD.  She has not been able to do her schoolwork packet for 10 days, and completely has stopped practicing her flute.  Every time I would tell her it was time to practice, she would start swinging her legs, arms and get glazed over eyes.

I would say one of my most difficult tasks is trying to figure out what each specific anxiety reaction is from.  Thanks to Mrs. Connie, our play therapist counselor, (BTW, everyone should have one in their back pocket), Kae-Kae is beginning to recognize her emotions and label them.  So, with flute, Dan and I were able to ask about ten questions to find out that Kae-Kae's new flute teacher does not write down her assignments, so she feels like she does not know what to practice.  Well, that was a breakthrough!  She was able to communicate her problem and it is fixable.  Now the teacher writes down the assignments.  After this week's lesson, I thought Kae-Kae would be up for practicing, since she now had her assignment sheet, but another panic attack took over.  This time, after asking 10 questions, we were able to find out that she was told to practice 20 minutes a day.  She feels unable to practice that long.  At this point, I told her if she practices 5 minutes a day doing the BEST she can, that is better than not practicing or being lazy at it for 20 minutes. 

But, the even harder part comes. 

Kae-Kae has to believe it and take ownership in her heart that I am not just selling her a "bill of goods."

The other question she asked this week was, "Is my anxiety coming back?"  She is aware and fearful of the futon again. 

We went to the psychiatrist on Friday.  Kae-Kae woke up in a panic attack with a little dissociating.  She does not like going to Dr. Gass, she says he is grave and asks her hard questions.  Ugh!  But, she still has to get in the car and drive an hour and a half to see this guy.  But, people prayed, she found some level of peace and some CDs, and we were able to make it there and have an excellent appointment.  Dr. Gass has increased her anti-anxiety medication and taken her off the tranquilizer (at Kae-Kae's request).  We are all happy about getting off the tranquillizer!!  She will now be taking something on an as needed basis for "bad times."  The catch is, if Kae-Kae gets too far gone, she can't hear me or see me for me to get the pill down her throat.  So, I am praying the anti-anxiety med increase will work quickly. 

Prayers for Kae-Kae

• for smoothness in removing her off the tranquilizer this week, it takes 7 days to gradually help her off it.
• for the anti-anxiety to start helping her immediately
• that she will not be discouraged this week as her body has to adjust to the meds.  She is usually much more anxious and confused during this time
• for the rest of our family- the littles still don't understand although they know to give Kae-Kae space when she needs it.  The last few weeks, Dan and I have been feeling absolutely crushed from this past year's experiences.  We have been told we are going through a form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).  Even so, life is going on- I have four kids and the holidays to contend with.  This would explain why if you see my around town and I look like a truck ran over me, I feel like it has.
• wisdom on how hard to push or not push Kae-Kae.  It is a hard balance figuring what could be can't verses won't.  Every time I try, I make her dissociate.  I live a life of second guessing myself and fear that I will "make" her go away, even though I know it is not my fault. 

Thank you for reading and continuing to pray for our family.  In Sunday School we are studying the book Ministries of Mercy, by Tim Keller.  He talks about "our primary mercy ministry is the care of disabled or elderly or chronically ill members" of our immediate family.   This is where our family is right now.  Sometimes I think we may "look" normal as we are out-and-about, yet the reality is we are living in a bizarre, God-ordained, unexplainable, constantly evolving, daily, "weirdness."  That is not to say that God is not meeting us here, along with teaching and loving us well.  But, we are not the normal family down the road with four cute kids, anymore.  We focus on survival and doing "duties of mercy to our immediate kin."  Our journey is not short and it is not over.  But, this world is not our home and God is on His throne.

Heather

Anxiety Disorder- Update

We have had an amazing breakthrough 'round these here parts.

Kae-Kae has not dissociated for an ENTIRE week! 

This calls for serious dancing and the lyre.

She did not dissociate on our trip to her grandparent's and that seemed to set her reset button.  Her "jumpiness" has been markedly reduced this week.  She also has had some deeper talks and realizations.  It feels like God loves ME, just because he is letting me see Kae-Kae's improvement so clearly.  It is like getting a Christmas present.

If you are new to Kingdom Arrows, you can click here to read a not-so-short journal of our life this past summer.

We had a parent meeting with her counselor this week.  We were all able to talk about ways we have seen her improvements lately.  The next thing that our counselor recommended is "Child-Parent-Relationship Training."  Dan and I go for 10 weeks for a private session with our counselor where we receive training for a type of "homework" we will do with Kae-Kae during the week.  This homework is 30 minute playtimes that will strengthen the relationship between a parent and child.  This is mostly to help Kae-Kae with her attachment issues with us.  Something both the counselor and psychiatrist talk about is how she is arrested emotionally at 6 years of age.  This focused treatment is supposed to help clear her path so she will be able to zoom faster to catch up to 12 years old.  She will also still be having her weekly sessions with the therapist. 

Somehow Kae-Kae realized this would be a stress to our absolutely, already exploded budget.  Ten years of following Dave Ramsey principles went out the window with the expenses of our summer.  She was sad this morning and finally asked me, "Are you mad you have to spend all this money on me?" 

Of course, you know the answer and the tears that followed.  Tears of gratefulness that my daughter lives in 2010 and did not have to be locked up in an asylum the rest of her life like if she had lived 100 years ago.  Tears of happiness that she had the emotional connection to ask that.  Tears of hope that she has come so far in such a short time.  AND NO TEARS that I absolutely cannot afford this new treatment.  I have about figured out, if God can bring my daughter out from under the futon, He can provide the money for this treatment and the weekly babysitter that we need. 

I have the rest of my life to manage this budget and dig myself out of this hole.  Actually, that would be God's job, too.  In one day this week, he actually brought several surprise checks and a NEW washing machine (thanks for the early Christmas, Mom and Dad).  So, as always- walking by faith and not by sight. 

Heather