Anxiety Disorder- Update

It has been a while since I have given an update on Kae-Kae and her anxiety disorder.  It is certainly more fun to write about Nature Studies or Game Nights, but having a daughter with mental issues is the inescapable reality I live with daily. 

The last two weeks, she has been gradually going downhill with her anxiety increasing incrementally daily.  She also began to dissociate a few times.  This is NOT GOOD.  She has not been able to do her schoolwork packet for 10 days, and completely has stopped practicing her flute.  Every time I would tell her it was time to practice, she would start swinging her legs, arms and get glazed over eyes.

I would say one of my most difficult tasks is trying to figure out what each specific anxiety reaction is from.  Thanks to Mrs. Connie, our play therapist counselor, (BTW, everyone should have one in their back pocket), Kae-Kae is beginning to recognize her emotions and label them.  So, with flute, Dan and I were able to ask about ten questions to find out that Kae-Kae's new flute teacher does not write down her assignments, so she feels like she does not know what to practice.  Well, that was a breakthrough!  She was able to communicate her problem and it is fixable.  Now the teacher writes down the assignments.  After this week's lesson, I thought Kae-Kae would be up for practicing, since she now had her assignment sheet, but another panic attack took over.  This time, after asking 10 questions, we were able to find out that she was told to practice 20 minutes a day.  She feels unable to practice that long.  At this point, I told her if she practices 5 minutes a day doing the BEST she can, that is better than not practicing or being lazy at it for 20 minutes. 

But, the even harder part comes. 

Kae-Kae has to believe it and take ownership in her heart that I am not just selling her a "bill of goods."

The other question she asked this week was, "Is my anxiety coming back?"  She is aware and fearful of the futon again. 

We went to the psychiatrist on Friday.  Kae-Kae woke up in a panic attack with a little dissociating.  She does not like going to Dr. Gass, she says he is grave and asks her hard questions.  Ugh!  But, she still has to get in the car and drive an hour and a half to see this guy.  But, people prayed, she found some level of peace and some CDs, and we were able to make it there and have an excellent appointment.  Dr. Gass has increased her anti-anxiety medication and taken her off the tranquilizer (at Kae-Kae's request).  We are all happy about getting off the tranquillizer!!  She will now be taking something on an as needed basis for "bad times."  The catch is, if Kae-Kae gets too far gone, she can't hear me or see me for me to get the pill down her throat.  So, I am praying the anti-anxiety med increase will work quickly. 

Prayers for Kae-Kae

• for smoothness in removing her off the tranquilizer this week, it takes 7 days to gradually help her off it.
• for the anti-anxiety to start helping her immediately
• that she will not be discouraged this week as her body has to adjust to the meds.  She is usually much more anxious and confused during this time
• for the rest of our family- the littles still don't understand although they know to give Kae-Kae space when she needs it.  The last few weeks, Dan and I have been feeling absolutely crushed from this past year's experiences.  We have been told we are going through a form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).  Even so, life is going on- I have four kids and the holidays to contend with.  This would explain why if you see my around town and I look like a truck ran over me, I feel like it has.
• wisdom on how hard to push or not push Kae-Kae.  It is a hard balance figuring what could be can't verses won't.  Every time I try, I make her dissociate.  I live a life of second guessing myself and fear that I will "make" her go away, even though I know it is not my fault. 

Thank you for reading and continuing to pray for our family.  In Sunday School we are studying the book Ministries of Mercy, by Tim Keller.  He talks about "our primary mercy ministry is the care of disabled or elderly or chronically ill members" of our immediate family.   This is where our family is right now.  Sometimes I think we may "look" normal as we are out-and-about, yet the reality is we are living in a bizarre, God-ordained, unexplainable, constantly evolving, daily, "weirdness."  That is not to say that God is not meeting us here, along with teaching and loving us well.  But, we are not the normal family down the road with four cute kids, anymore.  We focus on survival and doing "duties of mercy to our immediate kin."  Our journey is not short and it is not over.  But, this world is not our home and God is on His throne.

Heather